No matter how much I breathe or how much time passes, the memories are always there. The pain, festering right below the surface. The feelings of fear, shame, pain, disgust and confusion. I still doubt all that happened and I have a very hard time trying to put all these thoughts and feelings into words, but I can hardly breathe now. Some days, sometimes, the memories are too much.
The feeling of needing to do things makes me not want to do things. How confusing does that sentence sound? I think in my head it makes sense and maybe there is a reader or two out there that says yeah I get it, but hey I am not even sure that I get it. I have trying to commit. This whole blog has been about committing to something. I commit to writing every day for a year. Yeah well, I failed at that. I am trying to work on that again though. We can’t live in our past failures, but just look forward and improve upon them. But now that I am or trying to do that, I just feel like it is a lot of what and to what end is it?
I have failed. Not really like it is a surprise, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to keep this stuff up. I have started therapy, so that is an improvement. So much has happened in life though and I am not even sure where I stand.
Like most days. Today I am tired. I woke up feeling a bit under the weather. It seems something is going around work. I am trying not to catch it but my focus is more than lacking.
Sleep has not been my friend lately. I would say that I have felt more depressed lately and that would make sense with everything going on. I just don’t know how to get out of it. I hate that my “husband” seems fine. I hate how he talks about being honest and how people hate him for it and he won’t talk to me. If you want to be honest, here is your chance. I was probably the most honest with him the other night and still I feel like I get nothing back from him. I feel like he knows what he wants to do, but is too scared to say it.
Today I am tired. I really don’t want to post. I feel like I have nothing to say. Yesterday we went to a concert which was fun but then woke up early this morning for what? You guessed it, house hunting. I am tired and a little annoyed. I didn’t expect it to be easy but man this is hard.
I feel like a kid who is forced to do homework. I don’t hate doing this but the commitment thing gets to me. I have issues committing. It is 100% the case. I am getting tired of the house hunting. I feel like let’s just pick a place already. I think the fact that the few we really liked just slipped away isn’t making it easier.