I am tired. It has been quite a busy week at work. I work in HR in benefits and we have been preparing for open enrollment. Normally open enrollment isn’t a hectic time for the team I am on but before has been super busy getting prepared. Hopefully it goes smoothly.
Besides work life has been up and down. Things with my husband have been good for the most part. He has his moments when he complains about me but for the most part it is good. We both have issues and sometimes we can’t be the support we need. I have come to realize and accept that but he struggles with it. I try to be understanding but sometimes it is difficult.
Continue reading Sometimes shows get me
We all have struggles and we all have ways of dealing with those struggles. Now going to therapy I am learning things to help with stress and ways to cope. I know certain things but sometimes it is hard when you are in the moment to remember.
Continue reading Help getting through
So I ended up calling my therapist. At first I felt silly and thought it was a mistake, but after the session it was good. I feel like I am doing better now. I still feel up and down but I don’t feel quite so stressed.
At first she told me it was good. It was good that I was feeling stressed and anxious because it means that I am feeling things. I have a hard time with emotions and I definitely did not and have not dealt with my rape. I still blame myself for much of what happened and I don’t know how to not feel that way.
Continue reading It is Time
I feel anxious. I feel raw and exposed. I feel lost. I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know where it is coming from, around me or inside of me, but I feel like I am at war with myself. With everything, from my brain to my heart and to my emotions. I feel on the verge of a panic attack or just screaming out. I want to be held and left alone. I feel crazy.
Continue reading Second Thoughts…
I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.
Continue reading Struggling
I have a hard time focusing. I feel like I want to do something like write or something, but then the act of committing to that action feels so burdensome. I mentioned that feeling to my therapist last week, not sure if that means anything, but it is bothersome for me right now.
Continue reading Still not sure I know the point…
So it has been an interesting couple days. High and low doesn’t even cut it. I went to therapy today. Day one and hopefully this will be good. I am not sure what I think or feel right now about anything.
I honestly don’t know if I am married or single. Yesterday my husband asked for the ring back and I gave it to him. It was weird I didn’t cry or anything, I just did it. I don’t want it to be over but I just feel like I am not capable of being what he needs.
Continue reading One day at a time
I have been considering therapy again. I have lots of things I’ve moved in from but I haven’t healed from. Today at work kind of by surprise I spoke with a friend about a lot of stuff. It was unexpected and probably the best conversation I’ve actually had in person about it all. I say best because I was actually able to talk about it.
The hardest thing for me is to talk about what happened. I don’t talk about what happened when I was younger but even from when I was older. I have realized a lot of stuff but there is still much I need to understand and deal with. The guy who wants to be my side piece has made me realize some things too.
Continue reading Small steps
Sometimes reality can just slap you in the face right? The guy on the side of course claimed we could still be friends but yeah all he wants is sex. I know this, I know it is true so yeah just done.
I was thinking about sex today and the fact that I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve slept with. Honestly, I’ve just slept with my first and now second husband. That is it. It seems weird to think about that, but it is the truth. Sex has always scared me to be honest. I didn’t do it because I didn’t find it enjoyable.
Continue reading Need to be safe
So opinion time, time to seek advice. If you were friends with someone, and you get into a relationship. The person expresses sexual interest in you and you shut them down. Should you still talk with them? I was told by a friend no. I believe she is right. I know in my heart that she is right, but there is something inside of me that tells me it is okay and it doesn’t matter and I can still keep talking to him. We aren’t talking anything sexual, just talking as we were, friends.
Continue reading Opinions?