I have a hard time focusing. I feel like I want to do something like write or something, but then the act of committing to that action feels so burdensome. I mentioned that feeling to my therapist last week, not sure if that means anything, but it is bothersome for me right now.
So it has been an interesting couple days. High and low doesn’t even cut it. I went to therapy today. Day one and hopefully this will be good. I am not sure what I think or feel right now about anything.
I honestly don’t know if I am married or single. Yesterday my husband asked for the ring back and I gave it to him. It was weird I didn’t cry or anything, I just did it. I don’t want it to be over but I just feel like I am not capable of being what he needs.
I have been considering therapy again. I have lots of things I’ve moved in from but I haven’t healed from. Today at work kind of by surprise I spoke with a friend about a lot of stuff. It was unexpected and probably the best conversation I’ve actually had in person about it all. I say best because I was actually able to talk about it.
The hardest thing for me is to talk about what happened. I don’t talk about what happened when I was younger but even from when I was older. I have realized a lot of stuff but there is still much I need to understand and deal with. The guy who wants to be my side piece has made me realize some things too.
Sometimes reality can just slap you in the face right? The guy on the side of course claimed we could still be friends but yeah all he wants is sex. I know this, I know it is true so yeah just done.
I was thinking about sex today and the fact that I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve slept with. Honestly, I’ve just slept with my first and now second husband. That is it. It seems weird to think about that, but it is the truth. Sex has always scared me to be honest. I didn’t do it because I didn’t find it enjoyable.
So opinion time, time to seek advice. If you were friends with someone, and you get into a relationship. The person expresses sexual interest in you and you shut them down. Should you still talk with them? I was told by a friend no. I believe she is right. I know in my heart that she is right, but there is something inside of me that tells me it is okay and it doesn’t matter and I can still keep talking to him. We aren’t talking anything sexual, just talking as we were, friends.
I posted about my “side piece” offer and the idea of it just shocks me. So why think so much about it right? I am not thinking about the offer, but thinking about me. I am thinking about all the relationships and interactions I have had with men and this just feels like the culmination of that. Ultimately, the question is would I do it? The answer is complicated. Simple, no. I know that I couldn’t and won’t do anything because I am married and love my husband. I could never do anything to hurt him like that.