I can’t sleep and just keep thinking. I am thinking about things and life. I started writing a new story. Oh yeah I am a writer, if you didn’t already know. I have the stacks of rejections to prove it. That is what they say right?
What drives us to do the things we do? Do we do it for others? Do we ultimately do it for ourselves? Are we nothing but animals and our based of animal instincts drive us? I have been grappling with these questions lately. I am not sure if I do things because I want to do them or simply because I don’t care enough one way or the other and just go along with things because someone else is interested. I know that in the past I have gone a long with things that I did not enjoy or really like, but the other person(s) I was doing it with seemed to enjoy it so it seemed like why not? I know the reason why not, because most of the time it meant hurting myself. I don’t know what that says about me, I don’t know if I will ever grow out of it.
I have failed. Not really like it is a surprise, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to keep this stuff up. I have started therapy, so that is an improvement. So much has happened in life though and I am not even sure where I stand.
I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.
So sex yeah back to that. Make it lively again right? I should be sleeping, but I can’t. I feel like I am going to crash but I just can’t.
I hate how I feel right now. I feel like I want sex but then I don’t. I want for once for it to be about me, at least some. I don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive anymore or it’s not even that, it’s like he isn’t interested in sex. It’s not that I want sex a lot but I feel like we never have it and I try to please him but as for me. If I don’t do it then I ain’t getting there.
I am frustrated. I want him to take an interest. I want him to want me. I feel alone and rejected. It is making me want to lash out and self pleasure isn’t enough apparently. I want him to desire me. I just want to give up.
I am exhausted. Not tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I have insomnia for about a week now. I went to bed like 3 yesterday then up at 8. This has been a while now. I want to feel stable. I don’t and I don’t know what to do about it.
Because today everything is about the eclipse why not? I honestly didn’t care much about it but then my mom bought me the viewing glasses. I took them to work and thought I wonder if I will use them.
It was a huge event across the country. Some places had fill eclipse but we just had partial. Looking at it through the glasses was quite an experience. It was really neat to see the sun covered.
I am one of those bored at work and have some stuff to do but don’t want to do it moods. I hate when you get in that I have stuff to do but refuse to do it moods. I keep going back to the feeling of having issues with committing. I am having a really hard time putting my focus in one place and keeping my attention there.
I am frustrated. I have been frustrated most of the day. It has not been my week, to say the least. I feel like it is one thing after the other and of course all the emotions from whatever is going on with my husband. I am not comfortable in limbo. I have never realized that more than now.
Sleep has not been my friend lately. I would say that I have felt more depressed lately and that would make sense with everything going on. I just don’t know how to get out of it. I hate that my “husband” seems fine. I hate how he talks about being honest and how people hate him for it and he won’t talk to me. If you want to be honest, here is your chance. I was probably the most honest with him the other night and still I feel like I get nothing back from him. I feel like he knows what he wants to do, but is too scared to say it.
So it has been an interesting couple days. High and low doesn’t even cut it. I went to therapy today. Day one and hopefully this will be good. I am not sure what I think or feel right now about anything.
I honestly don’t know if I am married or single. Yesterday my husband asked for the ring back and I gave it to him. It was weird I didn’t cry or anything, I just did it. I don’t want it to be over but I just feel like I am not capable of being what he needs.