Do you ever sit and feel that life is meaningless? Honestly, it feels like it could be argued either way, meaning it is and is not meaningless. There are just things that happen sometimes that make you question and wonder about the life you lead. I do sometimes think about what if I was not here, who would care. It is easy to say that my mom and husband would be sad, but besides that who else. Would anyone else even notice if I wasn’t here? I guess the more important question would be would they care.
The feeling of needing to do things makes me not want to do things. How confusing does that sentence sound? I think in my head it makes sense and maybe there is a reader or two out there that says yeah I get it, but hey I am not even sure that I get it. I have trying to commit. This whole blog has been about committing to something. I commit to writing every day for a year. Yeah well, I failed at that. I am trying to work on that again though. We can’t live in our past failures, but just look forward and improve upon them. But now that I am or trying to do that, I just feel like it is a lot of what and to what end is it?
The hardest part about almost anything seems to be what we think about ourselves. I was talking to a friend today who recently went through a breakup. He is really having a rough time with it and it is especially hard because the woman has moved on and is in a serious relationship already. I personally think she was out of it long before he was, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, the relationship is over and he still loves her and is still struggling with it. I am sad for him and I try to remind him that life isn’t over, but it is hard to hear sometimes. We are our own worst enemies.
I can’t sleep and just keep thinking. I am thinking about things and life. I started writing a new story. Oh yeah I am a writer, if you didn’t already know. I have the stacks of rejections to prove it. That is what they say right?
What drives us to do the things we do? Do we do it for others? Do we ultimately do it for ourselves? Are we nothing but animals and our based of animal instincts drive us? I have been grappling with these questions lately. I am not sure if I do things because I want to do them or simply because I don’t care enough one way or the other and just go along with things because someone else is interested. I know that in the past I have gone a long with things that I did not enjoy or really like, but the other person(s) I was doing it with seemed to enjoy it so it seemed like why not? I know the reason why not, because most of the time it meant hurting myself. I don’t know what that says about me, I don’t know if I will ever grow out of it.
I have failed. Not really like it is a surprise, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to keep this stuff up. I have started therapy, so that is an improvement. So much has happened in life though and I am not even sure where I stand.
I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.
So sex yeah back to that. Make it lively again right? I should be sleeping, but I can’t. I feel like I am going to crash but I just can’t.
I hate how I feel right now. I feel like I want sex but then I don’t. I want for once for it to be about me, at least some. I don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive anymore or it’s not even that, it’s like he isn’t interested in sex. It’s not that I want sex a lot but I feel like we never have it and I try to please him but as for me. If I don’t do it then I ain’t getting there.
I am frustrated. I want him to take an interest. I want him to want me. I feel alone and rejected. It is making me want to lash out and self pleasure isn’t enough apparently. I want him to desire me. I just want to give up.
I am exhausted. Not tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I have insomnia for about a week now. I went to bed like 3 yesterday then up at 8. This has been a while now. I want to feel stable. I don’t and I don’t know what to do about it.
Because today everything is about the eclipse why not? I honestly didn’t care much about it but then my mom bought me the viewing glasses. I took them to work and thought I wonder if I will use them.
It was a huge event across the country. Some places had fill eclipse but we just had partial. Looking at it through the glasses was quite an experience. It was really neat to see the sun covered.
I am one of those bored at work and have some stuff to do but don’t want to do it moods. I hate when you get in that I have stuff to do but refuse to do it moods. I keep going back to the feeling of having issues with committing. I am having a really hard time putting my focus in one place and keeping my attention there.