Tag Archives: rape

It is Time

So I ended up calling my therapist. At first I felt silly and thought it was a mistake, but after the session it was good. I feel like I am doing better now. I still feel up and down but I don’t feel quite so stressed.

At first she told me it was good. It was good that I was feeling stressed and anxious because it means that I am feeling things. I have a hard time with emotions and I definitely did not and have not dealt with my rape. I still blame myself for much of what happened and I don’t know how to not feel that way.

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Feeling lost…

I don’t know why I do the things I do. I honestly don’t know what motivates me. I have this seeming need/desire to do things that I know will hurt me. In terms of hurting, I mean emotionally and sexually. I seek out men who want to use me sexually or will flirt with me. I am married, so more than obvious to say that is not a good thing.

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There is a difference…who knew?

There is a difference between a guy and an abuser. I said this yesterday in the post and the thought just keeps rolling around in my mind. It seems so simple and obvious to say such a thing, but it is a sad realization for me that I realize that I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand that all guys aren’t that way. I can’t say that I thought all guys were abusive, but I guess I didn’t realize just what the abusive behavior was. Maybe it also has to do with maturity of the guy, though that really shouldn’t matter, but who knows maybe?

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Small steps 

I have been considering therapy again. I have lots of things I’ve moved in from but I haven’t healed from. Today at work kind of by surprise I spoke with a friend about a lot of stuff. It was unexpected and probably the best conversation I’ve actually had in person about it all. I say best because I was actually able to talk about it.

The hardest thing for me is to talk about what happened. I don’t talk about what happened when I was younger but even from when I was older. I have realized a lot of stuff but there is still much I need to understand and deal with. The guy who wants to be my side piece has made me realize some things too.

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I should have known not to read the comments…

I was reading an article today and though I knew I shouldn’t, I read the comments. I hate reading the comments and I understand everyone is entitled to their opinions, but there are some things that are right and there are some things that are wrong. This article was about a husband who recorded himself raping his wife while she slept. I wasn’t married to the guy, but I did wake up one time with a guy I was dating on top of me and inside me. I was able to take him by surprise, because he did not know I had woken up and pushed him off of me, but still the idea of someone doing that while you are sleeping, it is sickening.

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Need to be safe

Sometimes reality can just slap you in the face right? The guy on the side of course claimed we could still be friends but yeah all he wants is sex. I know this, I know it is true so yeah just done.

I was thinking about sex today and the fact that I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve slept with. Honestly, I’ve just slept with my first and now second husband. That is it. It seems weird to think about that, but it is the truth. Sex has always scared me to be honest. I didn’t do it because I didn’t find it enjoyable.

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We are all only human

Maybe people aren’t so black and white. Maybe life isn’t so ridged and defined. I think we often think of others and ourselves in such a one way kind of view and forget that we are three-dimensional. We all have emotions, experiences and we are all learning how to make it through. I think in life it is easy to cast the villain in our stories when sometimes it is just about us being human. We are all human.

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Independence Day?

You would think on the 4th that I would post something a bit patriotic or something right? I don’t feel particularly patriotic as of late though. That is a hard order when you have Trump as president, it still feels almost dream or nightmare like. Still hard to believe. I guess it is kind of like life though, how you can be going down one path or think you are then suddenly you look up and things are so far off track and all you can do is wonder how you got there.

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