I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.
So it has been quite a few weeks huh? House hunting, therapy and of course Harvey. There is another storm in the Atlantic but those of us on the coast don’t even want to think about that. I have been thinking about this blog and my lack of focus as of late, but I realize that I need to get back to it. I need to get back to the reason I wanted to do this. I wanted to take an open and honest look at myself and hold nothing back. I have gotten away from it and I am not sure why, but I have some ideas.
I am one of those bored at work and have some stuff to do but don’t want to do it moods. I hate when you get in that I have stuff to do but refuse to do it moods. I keep going back to the feeling of having issues with committing. I am having a really hard time putting my focus in one place and keeping my attention there.
I have a hard time focusing. I feel like I want to do something like write or something, but then the act of committing to that action feels so burdensome. I mentioned that feeling to my therapist last week, not sure if that means anything, but it is bothersome for me right now.
Sleep has not been my friend lately. I would say that I have felt more depressed lately and that would make sense with everything going on. I just don’t know how to get out of it. I hate that my “husband” seems fine. I hate how he talks about being honest and how people hate him for it and he won’t talk to me. If you want to be honest, here is your chance. I was probably the most honest with him the other night and still I feel like I get nothing back from him. I feel like he knows what he wants to do, but is too scared to say it.
I don’t know why I do the things I do. I honestly don’t know what motivates me. I have this seeming need/desire to do things that I know will hurt me. In terms of hurting, I mean emotionally and sexually. I seek out men who want to use me sexually or will flirt with me. I am married, so more than obvious to say that is not a good thing.
I have a weird personality. I want to do things or think I want to do things but then in reality I don’t. I like the idea of being busy but I don’t like the reality. If that makes any sense.
I think about writing and feel like I don’t have anything to say. I tell myself that I need to write my post for the day and I think what will I say? What do I have to say? Does anything that I have to say even matter?
Do you ever think about the person you are? The person that others see you as and the person you see in your head. I know that most of the time those two people don’t really match up and most people will say it is only what you think about yourself that matters, but is that true? Does it only really matter what you think? Is that selfish? We can all learn and grow ourselves, but I think what people say or think of us matters when it is for the better. People are always critical, often times mostly of others, but sometimes people do it for good reason.
I was reading an article today and though I knew I shouldn’t, I read the comments. I hate reading the comments and I understand everyone is entitled to their opinions, but there are some things that are right and there are some things that are wrong. This article was about a husband who recorded himself raping his wife while she slept. I wasn’t married to the guy, but I did wake up one time with a guy I was dating on top of me and inside me. I was able to take him by surprise, because he did not know I had woken up and pushed him off of me, but still the idea of someone doing that while you are sleeping, it is sickening.