Tag Archives: personal life

It’s the Weekend

So I have been thinking about posting and yes I think maybe every day was a bit much. I think that I will definitely not post weekends at least not normally. I will post throughout the week, but weekends are to rest.

I am still not sure what I am doing with my Saturday but I have been putting off writing. The last few days my past has been on my mind and I am trying not to let that take over too much.

I the remembering and I hate the pain. I know that I need to heal and work through it but I will give it time. Despite wanting to do it overnight, I can’t. I have to take time and work through it. I need to start talking about it again in therapy. Small steps and we will see.

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Do it for you

Everybody wants to change the world

But one thing’s clear

No one ever wants to change themselves

~ “Do You Really Want It” by: Nothing More

So this band and these guys are awesome first and foremost. I have had the pleasure of seeing them love three times and look forward to many more. This song is on their most recent album. I just got to hear them preform this song live and beyond amazing. If you haven’t checked them out, you should.

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Needing inspiration

I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I went to therapy again and it felt hollow. I started going for abuse from my past and to deal with it but I wonder if I have. I feel like she doesn’t remember why I started coming but I guess that is my job. I know that therapy is what you make of it, but I don’t know what I want out of it. I have this just what’s the point feeling.

Continue reading Needing inspiration

Where do you go?

That could be a question for many things. Where do you go from here? Where do you go to be happy? Where do you go to feel love? Where do you go to find yourself?

I think many of these questions I ask myself in a regular basis but right now I really think about each of these questions. I feel like I should feel love and be happy. I am married and though things aren’t great they are pretty good. I still feel on uneasy ground if that makes sense.

Continue reading Where do you go?

Sometimes shows get me

I am tired. It has been quite a busy week at work. I work in HR in benefits and we have been preparing for open enrollment. Normally open enrollment isn’t a hectic time for the team I am on but before has been super busy getting prepared. Hopefully it goes smoothly.

Besides work life has been up and down. Things with my husband have been good for the most part. He has his moments when he complains about me but for the most part it is good. We both have issues and sometimes we can’t be the support we need. I have come to realize and accept that but he struggles with it. I try to be understanding but sometimes it is difficult.

Continue reading Sometimes shows get me

It is Time

So I ended up calling my therapist. At first I felt silly and thought it was a mistake, but after the session it was good. I feel like I am doing better now. I still feel up and down but I don’t feel quite so stressed.

At first she told me it was good. It was good that I was feeling stressed and anxious because it means that I am feeling things. I have a hard time with emotions and I definitely did not and have not dealt with my rape. I still blame myself for much of what happened and I don’t know how to not feel that way.

Continue reading It is Time

Unhinged 

So sex yeah back to that. Make it lively again right? I should be sleeping, but I can’t. I feel like I am going to crash but I just can’t. 

I hate how I feel right now. I feel like I want sex but then I don’t. I want for once for it to be about me, at least some. I don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive anymore or it’s not even that, it’s like he isn’t interested in sex. It’s not that I want sex a lot but I feel like we never have it and I try to please him but as for me. If I don’t do it then I ain’t getting there. 

I am frustrated. I want him to take an interest. I want him to want me. I feel alone and rejected. It is making me want to lash out and self pleasure isn’t enough apparently. I want him to desire me. I just want to give up. 

I am exhausted. Not tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I have insomnia for about a week now. I went to bed like 3 yesterday then up at 8. This has been a while now. I want to feel stable. I don’t and I don’t know what to do about it. 

Out again

Today we looked at houses again. We kind of are starting over where house hunting is concerned. I am ready to find one. Today I feel like we had some luck and one that I really liked. Our realtor said that we should check in tomorrow. We might make an offer. 

I would love to get something going because then we could be closing on a house soon. I  ready to close. I am ready to have a house.  We will see what happens.