No matter how much I breathe or how much time passes, the memories are always there. The pain, festering right below the surface. The feelings of fear, shame, pain, disgust and confusion. I still doubt all that happened and I have a very hard time trying to put all these thoughts and feelings into words, but I can hardly breathe now. Some days, sometimes, the memories are too much.
Today, I feel broken. I have watched a few shows that have made my mind wonder and made me feel this way. First, I watched “SVU” from last night. One of the characters admitted to being molested when he was younger, which hit home for me. Then I watched “Designated Survivor” and the main character just lost his wife. He is trying to understand how to deal/life with the grief of her loss. When he was in a therapy session, the therapist said that he couldn’t help because he wouldn’t talk about what was really going on and told him if he kept treading water he would drown. Finally, I watched “The Blacklist” which addressed a person cheating and how he wanted to have his wife killed. The pain and waste of it all just got to me.
What is it that you want? This is a question you are asked from time to time and one that we frequently or should frequently ask ourselves. I was recently asked this question and I gave an answer, but I have been thinking about it long after that. The answer to this question is often different or it can change. What is it you want out of life? What is it that you want from a relationship? What is it that you want from your job? What is it that you want?
Do you ever sit and feel that life is meaningless? Honestly, it feels like it could be argued either way, meaning it is and is not meaningless. There are just things that happen sometimes that make you question and wonder about the life you lead. I do sometimes think about what if I was not here, who would care. It is easy to say that my mom and husband would be sad, but besides that who else. Would anyone else even notice if I wasn’t here? I guess the more important question would be would they care.
The other day I was thinking about living life to the fullest. Living life like it truly is, that you only have a short time. I understand why we can’t live everyday like we were dying, in the sense of picking up and just traveling. Logically I understand that, but there is still part of me that wishes that life could be that way. I wish that we could live life doing what we wanted to do. To just be able to get up and not have to worry about money or responsibilities. I wish that life could be that way.
The feeling of needing to do things makes me not want to do things. How confusing does that sentence sound? I think in my head it makes sense and maybe there is a reader or two out there that says yeah I get it, but hey I am not even sure that I get it. I have trying to commit. This whole blog has been about committing to something. I commit to writing every day for a year. Yeah well, I failed at that. I am trying to work on that again though. We can’t live in our past failures, but just look forward and improve upon them. But now that I am or trying to do that, I just feel like it is a lot of what and to what end is it?
We all have things that we like and don’t like. It is just part of being human right? Kind of an obvious statement but the things one person likes can be something another absolutely hates. I was talking to a friend the other day that talked about the weather and the rain being gloomy. I said oh I kinda like the rainy weather.
It is kind of storming out now and I love to hear the rain falling. To me, it is kind of soothing and calming. It is kind of ironic I guess that a storm can sound calming but in a way it does. I love the steady rhythm it has. Thunder can’t be predicted but even in that randomness there is something exciting in it.
So where do you go from struggling? I guess the only answer you would expect would be up. The whole what goes up must come down rule, it applies the other way as well right? It really must, so if you go down, then you must come back up, or at least one would think so. I know that life really does not work that way, seen it and know it to be true. It is sad that life doesn’t promise us the good, just the bad.
I feel alien. Do you know what I mean? That feeling like the whole world around isn’t real. You don’t know what to do or say to make people understand or like you. I have always felt that way. People like me for two reasons what they can get from me or if they can fuck me.
I am a chameleon that changes with the situation it inside I am empty. I don’t know who I am or what I like or want. I want what you want because then you will like me. I listen to what you listen to or watch or read. I am like you please accept me.
What drives us to do the things we do? Do we do it for others? Do we ultimately do it for ourselves? Are we nothing but animals and our based of animal instincts drive us? I have been grappling with these questions lately. I am not sure if I do things because I want to do them or simply because I don’t care enough one way or the other and just go along with things because someone else is interested. I know that in the past I have gone a long with things that I did not enjoy or really like, but the other person(s) I was doing it with seemed to enjoy it so it seemed like why not? I know the reason why not, because most of the time it meant hurting myself. I don’t know what that says about me, I don’t know if I will ever grow out of it.