Tag Archives: depression

Where do you go?

That could be a question for many things. Where do you go from here? Where do you go to be happy? Where do you go to feel love? Where do you go to find yourself?

I think many of these questions I ask myself in a regular basis but right now I really think about each of these questions. I feel like I should feel love and be happy. I am married and though things aren’t great they are pretty good. I still feel on uneasy ground if that makes sense.

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Not for pity, just searching…

So where do you go from struggling? I guess the only answer you would expect would be up. The whole what goes up must come down rule, it applies the other way as well right? It really must, so if you go down, then you must come back up, or at least one would think so. I know that life really does not work that way, seen it and know it to be true. It is sad that life doesn’t promise us the good, just the bad.

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If you knew me…

I feel alien. Do you know what I mean? That feeling like the whole world around isn’t real. You don’t know what to do or say to make people understand or like you. I have always felt that way. People like me for two reasons what they can get from me or if they can fuck me.

I am a chameleon that changes with the situation it inside I am empty. I don’t know who I am or what I like or want. I want what you want because then you will like me. I listen to what you listen to or watch or read. I am like you please accept me.

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Focus on mental health

It is mental health awareness week and with everything going on in the world, we need a bit more focus on that. It is sad how so much is connected to mental health issues but sadly, the actions get the attention not the cause. People are too quick to dismiss mental health and it is causing more and more issues.

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Struggling

I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.

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Where it stands

Sleep has not been my friend lately. I would say that I have felt more depressed lately and that would make sense with everything going on. I just don’t know how to get out of it. I hate that my “husband” seems fine. I hate how he talks about being honest and how people hate him for it and he won’t talk to me. If you want to be honest, here is your chance. I was probably the most honest with him the other night and still I feel like I get nothing back from him. I feel like he knows what he wants to do, but is too scared to say it.

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A sad day

Today another one dies. Thousands of people die all over the world every day but it seems that there have been far too many suicides. Chester Bennington was found dead this morning in an apparent suicide. Saying that he died, just doesn’t seem like it is enough. I am in shock and of course, I did not personally know him or anything but the heartache over someone taking their own life is heartbreaking. Of course, the speculation could be endless, being that today would have been Chris Cornell’s 53rd birthday, so maybe that played a part, but either way it is horribly sad.

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Is there meaning?

They say people treat you how you teach and let them treat you. It is true. I believe it, but I just think about what it means. I know that I am a bit of a push over at times and I want it to stop but if it makes people leave. How is that good?

I have not been able to find the balance of be yourself, stand up for yourself and find people that care about you. I have a hard time standing up for myself especially to males. I am sure my past and daddy issues attribute to that. I feel like it is too simple though and I want to be able to truly understand.

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Life is crazy

Life is really crazy. There was a quote from “Law and Order SVU” that said all you need is for your pain to be witnessed to start healing. Today I actually talked to a friend at work and kind of laid it out and it seemed to help. Knowing that you aren’t alone really does something.

It seems so simple and silly to write it like it is some major realization yet it isn’t. We aren’t meant to be or live our lives alone. Sometimes it seems easier to live that way, but it’s a lie. We aren’t meant to go it alone. Life is too much of a bitch to have you go it alone. Can you do it? Yes you can but it is so much easier and better when you don’t have to.

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