So where do you go from struggling? I guess the only answer you would expect would be up. The whole what goes up must come down rule, it applies the other way as well right? It really must, so if you go down, then you must come back up, or at least one would think so. I know that life really does not work that way, seen it and know it to be true. It is sad that life doesn’t promise us the good, just the bad.
I feel alien. Do you know what I mean? That feeling like the whole world around isn’t real. You don’t know what to do or say to make people understand or like you. I have always felt that way. People like me for two reasons what they can get from me or if they can fuck me.
I am a chameleon that changes with the situation it inside I am empty. I don’t know who I am or what I like or want. I want what you want because then you will like me. I listen to what you listen to or watch or read. I am like you please accept me.
I can’t sleep and just keep thinking. I am thinking about things and life. I started writing a new story. Oh yeah I am a writer, if you didn’t already know. I have the stacks of rejections to prove it. That is what they say right?
What drives us to do the things we do? Do we do it for others? Do we ultimately do it for ourselves? Are we nothing but animals and our based of animal instincts drive us? I have been grappling with these questions lately. I am not sure if I do things because I want to do them or simply because I don’t care enough one way or the other and just go along with things because someone else is interested. I know that in the past I have gone a long with things that I did not enjoy or really like, but the other person(s) I was doing it with seemed to enjoy it so it seemed like why not? I know the reason why not, because most of the time it meant hurting myself. I don’t know what that says about me, I don’t know if I will ever grow out of it.
I have failed. Not really like it is a surprise, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to keep this stuff up. I have started therapy, so that is an improvement. So much has happened in life though and I am not even sure where I stand.
I am bored and that is never a good thing. I have decided that I am definitely taking the weekends off here. I know that I said that I would write every day, but we all need a rest right? That is what I decided that I am telling myself at least. It is our open enrollment here at work and though there are things to do, I am not really involved too much with the who enrolling process for the population. I have something that I could have been doing, but there was an issue and now I can’t do that either. I am bored and my mind wonders.
I am tired. It has been quite a busy week at work. I work in HR in benefits and we have been preparing for open enrollment. Normally open enrollment isn’t a hectic time for the team I am on but before has been super busy getting prepared. Hopefully it goes smoothly.
Besides work life has been up and down. Things with my husband have been good for the most part. He has his moments when he complains about me but for the most part it is good. We both have issues and sometimes we can’t be the support we need. I have come to realize and accept that but he struggles with it. I try to be understanding but sometimes it is difficult.
It is mental health awareness week and with everything going on in the world, we need a bit more focus on that. It is sad how so much is connected to mental health issues but sadly, the actions get the attention not the cause. People are too quick to dismiss mental health and it is causing more and more issues.
We all have struggles and we all have ways of dealing with those struggles. Now going to therapy I am learning things to help with stress and ways to cope. I know certain things but sometimes it is hard when you are in the moment to remember.
So I ended up calling my therapist. At first I felt silly and thought it was a mistake, but after the session it was good. I feel like I am doing better now. I still feel up and down but I don’t feel quite so stressed.
At first she told me it was good. It was good that I was feeling stressed and anxious because it means that I am feeling things. I have a hard time with emotions and I definitely did not and have not dealt with my rape. I still blame myself for much of what happened and I don’t know how to not feel that way.