What drives us to do the things we do? Do we do it for others? Do we ultimately do it for ourselves? Are we nothing but animals and our based of animal instincts drive us? I have been grappling with these questions lately. I am not sure if I do things because I want to do them or simply because I don’t care enough one way or the other and just go along with things because someone else is interested. I know that in the past I have gone a long with things that I did not enjoy or really like, but the other person(s) I was doing it with seemed to enjoy it so it seemed like why not? I know the reason why not, because most of the time it meant hurting myself. I don’t know what that says about me, I don’t know if I will ever grow out of it.
I am one of those bored at work and have some stuff to do but don’t want to do it moods. I hate when you get in that I have stuff to do but refuse to do it moods. I keep going back to the feeling of having issues with committing. I am having a really hard time putting my focus in one place and keeping my attention there.
Sleep has not been my friend lately. I would say that I have felt more depressed lately and that would make sense with everything going on. I just don’t know how to get out of it. I hate that my “husband” seems fine. I hate how he talks about being honest and how people hate him for it and he won’t talk to me. If you want to be honest, here is your chance. I was probably the most honest with him the other night and still I feel like I get nothing back from him. I feel like he knows what he wants to do, but is too scared to say it.
I don’t know why I do the things I do. I honestly don’t know what motivates me. I have this seeming need/desire to do things that I know will hurt me. In terms of hurting, I mean emotionally and sexually. I seek out men who want to use me sexually or will flirt with me. I am married, so more than obvious to say that is not a good thing.
Do you ever think about the person you are? The person that others see you as and the person you see in your head. I know that most of the time those two people don’t really match up and most people will say it is only what you think about yourself that matters, but is that true? Does it only really matter what you think? Is that selfish? We can all learn and grow ourselves, but I think what people say or think of us matters when it is for the better. People are always critical, often times mostly of others, but sometimes people do it for good reason.