There is a difference between a guy and an abuser. I said this yesterday in the post and the thought just keeps rolling around in my mind. It seems so simple and obvious to say such a thing, but it is a sad realization for me that I realize that I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand that all guys aren’t that way. I can’t say that I thought all guys were abusive, but I guess I didn’t realize just what the abusive behavior was. Maybe it also has to do with maturity of the guy, though that really shouldn’t matter, but who knows maybe?
I have been considering therapy again. I have lots of things I’ve moved in from but I haven’t healed from. Today at work kind of by surprise I spoke with a friend about a lot of stuff. It was unexpected and probably the best conversation I’ve actually had in person about it all. I say best because I was actually able to talk about it.
The hardest thing for me is to talk about what happened. I don’t talk about what happened when I was younger but even from when I was older. I have realized a lot of stuff but there is still much I need to understand and deal with. The guy who wants to be my side piece has made me realize some things too.
Do you ever think about the person you are? The person that others see you as and the person you see in your head. I know that most of the time those two people don’t really match up and most people will say it is only what you think about yourself that matters, but is that true? Does it only really matter what you think? Is that selfish? We can all learn and grow ourselves, but I think what people say or think of us matters when it is for the better. People are always critical, often times mostly of others, but sometimes people do it for good reason.
Sometimes reality can just slap you in the face right? The guy on the side of course claimed we could still be friends but yeah all he wants is sex. I know this, I know it is true so yeah just done.
I was thinking about sex today and the fact that I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve slept with. Honestly, I’ve just slept with my first and now second husband. That is it. It seems weird to think about that, but it is the truth. Sex has always scared me to be honest. I didn’t do it because I didn’t find it enjoyable.
Maybe people aren’t so black and white. Maybe life isn’t so ridged and defined. I think we often think of others and ourselves in such a one way kind of view and forget that we are three-dimensional. We all have emotions, experiences and we are all learning how to make it through. I think in life it is easy to cast the villain in our stories when sometimes it is just about us being human. We are all human.
So opinion time, time to seek advice. If you were friends with someone, and you get into a relationship. The person expresses sexual interest in you and you shut them down. Should you still talk with them? I was told by a friend no. I believe she is right. I know in my heart that she is right, but there is something inside of me that tells me it is okay and it doesn’t matter and I can still keep talking to him. We aren’t talking anything sexual, just talking as we were, friends.
Life is really crazy. There was a quote from “Law and Order SVU” that said all you need is for your pain to be witnessed to start healing. Today I actually talked to a friend at work and kind of laid it out and it seemed to help. Knowing that you aren’t alone really does something.
It seems so simple and silly to write it like it is some major realization yet it isn’t. We aren’t meant to be or live our lives alone. Sometimes it seems easier to live that way, but it’s a lie. We aren’t meant to go it alone. Life is too much of a bitch to have you go it alone. Can you do it? Yes you can but it is so much easier and better when you don’t have to.
I posted about my “side piece” offer and the idea of it just shocks me. So why think so much about it right? I am not thinking about the offer, but thinking about me. I am thinking about all the relationships and interactions I have had with men and this just feels like the culmination of that. Ultimately, the question is would I do it? The answer is complicated. Simple, no. I know that I couldn’t and won’t do anything because I am married and love my husband. I could never do anything to hurt him like that.
You would think on the 4th that I would post something a bit patriotic or something right? I don’t feel particularly patriotic as of late though. That is a hard order when you have Trump as president, it still feels almost dream or nightmare like. Still hard to believe. I guess it is kind of like life though, how you can be going down one path or think you are then suddenly you look up and things are so far off track and all you can do is wonder how you got there.
Another day, another post. Day two and time already seems like it is getting away from me. I have a note to post this, trying to do it in the morning, but as you see that did not happen. I have been thinking a lot since yesterday as to what should be my follow up, my first “real” post on the blog and I still don’t know. I keep thinking I should start with something heavy, but is that really how I want to set the tone of my blog? I still don’t even really know what this is or will turn into. I guess the days will just have to let us see.