Tag Archives: abuse

It’s the Weekend

So I have been thinking about posting and yes I think maybe every day was a bit much. I think that I will definitely not post weekends at least not normally. I will post throughout the week, but weekends are to rest.

I am still not sure what I am doing with my Saturday but I have been putting off writing. The last few days my past has been on my mind and I am trying not to let that take over too much.

I the remembering and I hate the pain. I know that I need to heal and work through it but I will give it time. Despite wanting to do it overnight, I can’t. I have to take time and work through it. I need to start talking about it again in therapy. Small steps and we will see.

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Still Not Okay…

No matter how much I breathe or how much time passes, the memories are always there. The pain, festering right below the surface. The feelings of fear, shame, pain, disgust and confusion. I still doubt all that happened and I have a very hard time trying to put all these thoughts and feelings into words, but I can hardly breathe now. Some days, sometimes, the memories are too much.

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Today, I Feel Broken

Today, I feel broken. I have watched a few shows that have made my mind wonder and made me feel this way. First, I watched “SVU” from last night. One of the characters admitted to being molested when he was younger, which hit home for me. Then I watched “Designated Survivor” and the main character just lost his wife. He is trying to understand how to deal/life with the grief of her loss. When he was in a therapy session, the therapist said that he couldn’t help because he wouldn’t talk about what was really going on and told him if he kept treading water he would drown. Finally, I watched “The Blacklist” which addressed a person cheating and how he wanted to have his wife killed. The pain and waste of it all just got to me.

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Sometimes shows get me

I am tired. It has been quite a busy week at work. I work in HR in benefits and we have been preparing for open enrollment. Normally open enrollment isn’t a hectic time for the team I am on but before has been super busy getting prepared. Hopefully it goes smoothly.

Besides work life has been up and down. Things with my husband have been good for the most part. He has his moments when he complains about me but for the most part it is good. We both have issues and sometimes we can’t be the support we need. I have come to realize and accept that but he struggles with it. I try to be understanding but sometimes it is difficult.

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It is Time

So I ended up calling my therapist. At first I felt silly and thought it was a mistake, but after the session it was good. I feel like I am doing better now. I still feel up and down but I don’t feel quite so stressed.

At first she told me it was good. It was good that I was feeling stressed and anxious because it means that I am feeling things. I have a hard time with emotions and I definitely did not and have not dealt with my rape. I still blame myself for much of what happened and I don’t know how to not feel that way.

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Second Thoughts…

I feel anxious. I feel raw and exposed. I feel lost. I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know where it is coming from, around me or inside of me, but I feel like I am at war with myself. With everything, from my brain to my heart and to my emotions. I feel on the verge of a panic attack or just screaming out. I want to be held and left alone. I feel crazy.

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Struggling

I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.

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There is a difference…who knew?

There is a difference between a guy and an abuser. I said this yesterday in the post and the thought just keeps rolling around in my mind. It seems so simple and obvious to say such a thing, but it is a sad realization for me that I realize that I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand that all guys aren’t that way. I can’t say that I thought all guys were abusive, but I guess I didn’t realize just what the abusive behavior was. Maybe it also has to do with maturity of the guy, though that really shouldn’t matter, but who knows maybe?

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Small steps 

I have been considering therapy again. I have lots of things I’ve moved in from but I haven’t healed from. Today at work kind of by surprise I spoke with a friend about a lot of stuff. It was unexpected and probably the best conversation I’ve actually had in person about it all. I say best because I was actually able to talk about it.

The hardest thing for me is to talk about what happened. I don’t talk about what happened when I was younger but even from when I was older. I have realized a lot of stuff but there is still much I need to understand and deal with. The guy who wants to be my side piece has made me realize some things too.

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