I feel anxious. I feel raw and exposed. I feel lost. I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know where it is coming from, around me or inside of me, but I feel like I am at war with myself. With everything, from my brain to my heart and to my emotions. I feel on the verge of a panic attack or just screaming out. I want to be held and left alone. I feel crazy.
I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.
So sex yeah back to that. Make it lively again right? I should be sleeping, but I can’t. I feel like I am going to crash but I just can’t.
I hate how I feel right now. I feel like I want sex but then I don’t. I want for once for it to be about me, at least some. I don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive anymore or it’s not even that, it’s like he isn’t interested in sex. It’s not that I want sex a lot but I feel like we never have it and I try to please him but as for me. If I don’t do it then I ain’t getting there.
I am frustrated. I want him to take an interest. I want him to want me. I feel alone and rejected. It is making me want to lash out and self pleasure isn’t enough apparently. I want him to desire me. I just want to give up.
I am exhausted. Not tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I have insomnia for about a week now. I went to bed like 3 yesterday then up at 8. This has been a while now. I want to feel stable. I don’t and I don’t know what to do about it.
So it has been quite a few weeks huh? House hunting, therapy and of course Harvey. There is another storm in the Atlantic but those of us on the coast don’t even want to think about that. I have been thinking about this blog and my lack of focus as of late, but I realize that I need to get back to it. I need to get back to the reason I wanted to do this. I wanted to take an open and honest look at myself and hold nothing back. I have gotten away from it and I am not sure why, but I have some ideas.
So I have been quite as I watch the chaos around me and my city. Texas has been hit hard and though I am lucky it is still hard to watch. I know people who have lost everything. There are those who lost their lives. Sadly the stories just keep on coming both good and bad.
I am proud to be part of this city and state. It has gone through a lot and there are things I want to say but being in the midst of it. I am still waiting for the dust to settle so to speak. I want to write and just typing this is good. I have found that focus has been hard the past few days. Hopefully that gets better.
Thanks for all the well wishes and thoughts that have come our way. For all of those working hard to make sure the city comes out on its feet. There is so much left to do. The coming weeks and months will be difficult for all. We must keep going.
A storm is coming to the Texas gulf coast. You would think it is the end of the world. People stocking up. We just got home from getting some stuff but man it was rough. We started at one place but no bread or water. No bread or water.
Today we looked at houses again. We kind of are starting over where house hunting is concerned. I am ready to find one. Today I feel like we had some luck and one that I really liked. Our realtor said that we should check in tomorrow. We might make an offer.
I would love to get something going because then we could be closing on a house soon. I ready to close. I am ready to have a house. We will see what happens.
Stupid pre orders and stupid companies that don’t make enough of their products. Today the pre orders for the SNES classic went live. They came and went. It is just like Nintendo to put something out and screw everyone over. Why do we subject ourselves to it? We want to I guess.
Because today everything is about the eclipse why not? I honestly didn’t care much about it but then my mom bought me the viewing glasses. I took them to work and thought I wonder if I will use them.
It was a huge event across the country. Some places had fill eclipse but we just had partial. Looking at it through the glasses was quite an experience. It was really neat to see the sun covered.