Do you ever just get that no one is listening feeling? I struggle with that feeling from time to time as I think all of us do. I think we all want others to hear our words and respond to them, but the reality is that very few people will come across our words and take the time to read and absorb what we are saying. Sometimes it is just about facing reality, the reality that at the end of it all, if we can say that we touched one or two people then that is what will matter.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but if you are reading this, know you are not alone. Know that there is someone out there who understands. Know that there is someone out there who thinks they are fat, ugly, stupid, depressed, alone, scared, weird, strange, suicidal, just a complete mess. We all doubt something about ourselves, even the most smart and beautiful among us. You might be one, all or none of these things, but at the end of the day, we are all human. You are a person! You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be listened to. You deserve to have someone know your story.
The hardest part about almost anything seems to be what we think about ourselves. I was talking to a friend today who recently went through a breakup. He is really having a rough time with it and it is especially hard because the woman has moved on and is in a serious relationship already. I personally think she was out of it long before he was, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, the relationship is over and he still loves her and is still struggling with it. I am sad for him and I try to remind him that life isn’t over, but it is hard to hear sometimes. We are our own worst enemies.
That could be a question for many things. Where do you go from here? Where do you go to be happy? Where do you go to feel love? Where do you go to find yourself?
I think many of these questions I ask myself in a regular basis but right now I really think about each of these questions. I feel like I should feel love and be happy. I am married and though things aren’t great they are pretty good. I still feel on uneasy ground if that makes sense.
So where do you go from struggling? I guess the only answer you would expect would be up. The whole what goes up must come down rule, it applies the other way as well right? It really must, so if you go down, then you must come back up, or at least one would think so. I know that life really does not work that way, seen it and know it to be true. It is sad that life doesn’t promise us the good, just the bad.
I feel alien. Do you know what I mean? That feeling like the whole world around isn’t real. You don’t know what to do or say to make people understand or like you. I have always felt that way. People like me for two reasons what they can get from me or if they can fuck me.
I am a chameleon that changes with the situation it inside I am empty. I don’t know who I am or what I like or want. I want what you want because then you will like me. I listen to what you listen to or watch or read. I am like you please accept me.
I can’t sleep and just keep thinking. I am thinking about things and life. I started writing a new story. Oh yeah I am a writer, if you didn’t already know. I have the stacks of rejections to prove it. That is what they say right?
What drives us to do the things we do? Do we do it for others? Do we ultimately do it for ourselves? Are we nothing but animals and our based of animal instincts drive us? I have been grappling with these questions lately. I am not sure if I do things because I want to do them or simply because I don’t care enough one way or the other and just go along with things because someone else is interested. I know that in the past I have gone a long with things that I did not enjoy or really like, but the other person(s) I was doing it with seemed to enjoy it so it seemed like why not? I know the reason why not, because most of the time it meant hurting myself. I don’t know what that says about me, I don’t know if I will ever grow out of it.
I have failed. Not really like it is a surprise, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to keep this stuff up. I have started therapy, so that is an improvement. So much has happened in life though and I am not even sure where I stand.
I am bored and that is never a good thing. I have decided that I am definitely taking the weekends off here. I know that I said that I would write every day, but we all need a rest right? That is what I decided that I am telling myself at least. It is our open enrollment here at work and though there are things to do, I am not really involved too much with the who enrolling process for the population. I have something that I could have been doing, but there was an issue and now I can’t do that either. I am bored and my mind wonders.