What is it that you want? This is a question you are asked from time to time and one that we frequently or should frequently ask ourselves. I was recently asked this question and I gave an answer, but I have been thinking about it long after that. The answer to this question is often different or it can change. What is it you want out of life? What is it that you want from a relationship? What is it that you want from your job? What is it that you want?
Do you ever sit and feel that life is meaningless? Honestly, it feels like it could be argued either way, meaning it is and is not meaningless. There are just things that happen sometimes that make you question and wonder about the life you lead. I do sometimes think about what if I was not here, who would care. It is easy to say that my mom and husband would be sad, but besides that who else. Would anyone else even notice if I wasn’t here? I guess the more important question would be would they care.
We all have things that we like and don’t like. It is just part of being human right? Kind of an obvious statement but the things one person likes can be something another absolutely hates. I was talking to a friend the other day that talked about the weather and the rain being gloomy. I said oh I kinda like the rainy weather.
It is kind of storming out now and I love to hear the rain falling. To me, it is kind of soothing and calming. It is kind of ironic I guess that a storm can sound calming but in a way it does. I love the steady rhythm it has. Thunder can’t be predicted but even in that randomness there is something exciting in it.
Do you ever just get that no one is listening feeling? I struggle with that feeling from time to time as I think all of us do. I think we all want others to hear our words and respond to them, but the reality is that very few people will come across our words and take the time to read and absorb what we are saying. Sometimes it is just about facing reality, the reality that at the end of it all, if we can say that we touched one or two people then that is what will matter.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but if you are reading this, know you are not alone. Know that there is someone out there who understands. Know that there is someone out there who thinks they are fat, ugly, stupid, depressed, alone, scared, weird, strange, suicidal, just a complete mess. We all doubt something about ourselves, even the most smart and beautiful among us. You might be one, all or none of these things, but at the end of the day, we are all human. You are a person! You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be listened to. You deserve to have someone know your story.
The hardest part about almost anything seems to be what we think about ourselves. I was talking to a friend today who recently went through a breakup. He is really having a rough time with it and it is especially hard because the woman has moved on and is in a serious relationship already. I personally think she was out of it long before he was, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, the relationship is over and he still loves her and is still struggling with it. I am sad for him and I try to remind him that life isn’t over, but it is hard to hear sometimes. We are our own worst enemies.
That could be a question for many things. Where do you go from here? Where do you go to be happy? Where do you go to feel love? Where do you go to find yourself?
I think many of these questions I ask myself in a regular basis but right now I really think about each of these questions. I feel like I should feel love and be happy. I am married and though things aren’t great they are pretty good. I still feel on uneasy ground if that makes sense.
So where do you go from struggling? I guess the only answer you would expect would be up. The whole what goes up must come down rule, it applies the other way as well right? It really must, so if you go down, then you must come back up, or at least one would think so. I know that life really does not work that way, seen it and know it to be true. It is sad that life doesn’t promise us the good, just the bad.
It is mental health awareness week and with everything going on in the world, we need a bit more focus on that. It is sad how so much is connected to mental health issues but sadly, the actions get the attention not the cause. People are too quick to dismiss mental health and it is causing more and more issues.
I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.