Category Archives: Rambling

If you knew me…

I feel alien. Do you know what I mean? That feeling like the whole world around isn’t real. You don’t know what to do or say to make people understand or like you. I have always felt that way. People like me for two reasons what they can get from me or if they can fuck me.

I am a chameleon that changes with the situation it inside I am empty. I don’t know who I am or what I like or want. I want what you want because then you will like me. I listen to what you listen to or watch or read. I am like you please accept me.

Continue reading If you knew me…


Can’t sleep

I can’t sleep and just keep thinking. I am thinking about things and life. I started writing a new story. Oh yeah I am a writer, if you didn’t already know. I have the stacks of rejections to prove it. That is what they say right?

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Feeling through entertainment

I am bored and that is never a good thing. I have decided that I am definitely taking the weekends off here. I know that I said that I would write every day, but we all need a rest right? That is what I decided that I am telling myself at least. It is our open enrollment here at work and though there are things to do, I am not really involved too much with the who enrolling process for the population. I have something that I could have been doing, but there was an issue and now I can’t do that either. I am bored and my mind wonders.

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Second Thoughts…

I feel anxious. I feel raw and exposed. I feel lost. I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know where it is coming from, around me or inside of me, but I feel like I am at war with myself. With everything, from my brain to my heart and to my emotions. I feel on the verge of a panic attack or just screaming out. I want to be held and left alone. I feel crazy.

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So sex yeah back to that. Make it lively again right? I should be sleeping, but I can’t. I feel like I am going to crash but I just can’t. 

I hate how I feel right now. I feel like I want sex but then I don’t. I want for once for it to be about me, at least some. I don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive anymore or it’s not even that, it’s like he isn’t interested in sex. It’s not that I want sex a lot but I feel like we never have it and I try to please him but as for me. If I don’t do it then I ain’t getting there. 

I am frustrated. I want him to take an interest. I want him to want me. I feel alone and rejected. It is making me want to lash out and self pleasure isn’t enough apparently. I want him to desire me. I just want to give up. 

I am exhausted. Not tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I have insomnia for about a week now. I went to bed like 3 yesterday then up at 8. This has been a while now. I want to feel stable. I don’t and I don’t know what to do about it. 

Looking for something on the side…

Any readers out there looking for a way to make legitimate extra money? I have been talking with a co-worker and we just can’t seem to find something. I know that if I could have a job that was just on the side and as needed or where I could make my own schedule that would be great. I don’t really have talents per say though, that is the problem. I am good at organizing and time management. I wish I could just find someone who needed a virtual assistant and I could do that. I think I would be great at it.

Continue reading Looking for something on the side…