No matter how much I breathe or how much time passes, the memories are always there. The pain, festering right below the surface. The feelings of fear, shame, pain, disgust and confusion. I still doubt all that happened and I have a very hard time trying to put all these thoughts and feelings into words, but I can hardly breathe now. Some days, sometimes, the memories are too much.
Today, I feel broken. I have watched a few shows that have made my mind wonder and made me feel this way. First, I watched “SVU” from last night. One of the characters admitted to being molested when he was younger, which hit home for me. Then I watched “Designated Survivor” and the main character just lost his wife. He is trying to understand how to deal/life with the grief of her loss. When he was in a therapy session, the therapist said that he couldn’t help because he wouldn’t talk about what was really going on and told him if he kept treading water he would drown. Finally, I watched “The Blacklist” which addressed a person cheating and how he wanted to have his wife killed. The pain and waste of it all just got to me.
What drives us to do the things we do? Do we do it for others? Do we ultimately do it for ourselves? Are we nothing but animals and our based of animal instincts drive us? I have been grappling with these questions lately. I am not sure if I do things because I want to do them or simply because I don’t care enough one way or the other and just go along with things because someone else is interested. I know that in the past I have gone a long with things that I did not enjoy or really like, but the other person(s) I was doing it with seemed to enjoy it so it seemed like why not? I know the reason why not, because most of the time it meant hurting myself. I don’t know what that says about me, I don’t know if I will ever grow out of it.
I have failed. Not really like it is a surprise, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to keep this stuff up. I have started therapy, so that is an improvement. So much has happened in life though and I am not even sure where I stand.
I am tired. It has been quite a busy week at work. I work in HR in benefits and we have been preparing for open enrollment. Normally open enrollment isn’t a hectic time for the team I am on but before has been super busy getting prepared. Hopefully it goes smoothly.
Besides work life has been up and down. Things with my husband have been good for the most part. He has his moments when he complains about me but for the most part it is good. We both have issues and sometimes we can’t be the support we need. I have come to realize and accept that but he struggles with it. I try to be understanding but sometimes it is difficult.
We all have struggles and we all have ways of dealing with those struggles. Now going to therapy I am learning things to help with stress and ways to cope. I know certain things but sometimes it is hard when you are in the moment to remember.
So I ended up calling my therapist. At first I felt silly and thought it was a mistake, but after the session it was good. I feel like I am doing better now. I still feel up and down but I don’t feel quite so stressed.
At first she told me it was good. It was good that I was feeling stressed and anxious because it means that I am feeling things. I have a hard time with emotions and I definitely did not and have not dealt with my rape. I still blame myself for much of what happened and I don’t know how to not feel that way.
I don’t understand people and I don’t like them. That is quite a way to start a blog post right? I am just sick of little side comments. Things that people say that they tell themselves to I guess what?! Make themselves feel better or hurt more but they say it around someone as a means to hurt them. When you don’t do anything and try to help someone, knowing you can’t help them but at least trying, then all they do is sit around and talk about how they do it alone?! Well, what the hell am I doing?!
I don’t know why I do the things I do. I honestly don’t know what motivates me. I have this seeming need/desire to do things that I know will hurt me. In terms of hurting, I mean emotionally and sexually. I seek out men who want to use me sexually or will flirt with me. I am married, so more than obvious to say that is not a good thing.
There is a difference between a guy and an abuser. I said this yesterday in the post and the thought just keeps rolling around in my mind. It seems so simple and obvious to say such a thing, but it is a sad realization for me that I realize that I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand that all guys aren’t that way. I can’t say that I thought all guys were abusive, but I guess I didn’t realize just what the abusive behavior was. Maybe it also has to do with maturity of the guy, though that really shouldn’t matter, but who knows maybe?