Today, I feel broken. I have watched a few shows that have made my mind wonder and made me feel this way. First, I watched “SVU” from last night. One of the characters admitted to being molested when he was younger, which hit home for me. Then I watched “Designated Survivor” and the main character just lost his wife. He is trying to understand how to deal/life with the grief of her loss. When he was in a therapy session, the therapist said that he couldn’t help because he wouldn’t talk about what was really going on and told him if he kept treading water he would drown. Finally, I watched “The Blacklist” which addressed a person cheating and how he wanted to have his wife killed. The pain and waste of it all just got to me.
At the end of the day, it is all weighing on me. It is doing so for different reasons. I still have a very, very hard time admitting or even discussing talking about when I was molested or sexual assaulted. Even writing that made me pause. I feel like I am going backwards. I started therapy with the intent and the purpose to deal with all this and put it behind me. I thought I was going that way, but now I seem to have stalled. I feel like that is getting nowhere and part of that is because I honestly don’t want to talk about it. The fear and shame are back. I have held it so close to me for so long and I have a hard time putting it out there.
I feel now is the time to talk about such things, but it is different offering support and being the one seeking the support. I am not sure how I feel about it all. In “Designated Survivor”, the therapist said that the husband had to deal with his feelings of guilt towards what happened. I know that I keep getting stuck at that point. I have told countless other people I have known or met who were assaulted; it is not your fault. It is easy to say yet hard to believe. I feel guilty not just for keeping it a secret, but for the life I have lived. I feel like I have not suffered enough and I know that many, many people will read that and roll their eyes or think that is ridiculous, but part of it is you don’t understand. I know and have known so many people who it tore their lives apart. They were literally broken by it and yes, did I suffer, of course, and probably in ways, I still don’t even understand, but my life didn’t fall apart.
I did not become addicted to drugs or alcohol afterwards. My life did not take a downward spiral. I did withdraw and had pain attacks, but most of it I was able to hide away. My life kept going. At the time, I was in college and yes I got a “C” in a class, but most people would not see that as a bad thing. For me it was, or kind of, at the time I really didn’t care. I was just glad that I didn’t fail any classes. My life though, it went on, like life often does. It seems almost depressing really. Life always goes on after loss, hurt, and pain. The world keeps spinning and that is where I am today. The world has kept turning and though I am farther along, I don’t feel that I am farther along, if that makes sense.
Today, I feel broken. I know that in therapy, I really need to start talking about these feelings but I am so bad at being open, honest and vulnerable. I want to feel complete for once. I believe that it is possible, but I know that I am far from it. I just want the pain of the past to be something hurts less and when I am reminded of it, I don’t feel so down, depressed, ashamed, angry about it all.