So where do you go from struggling? I guess the only answer you would expect would be up. The whole what goes up must come down rule, it applies the other way as well right? It really must, so if you go down, then you must come back up, or at least one would think so. I know that life really does not work that way, seen it and know it to be true. It is sad that life doesn’t promise us the good, just the bad.
I am having a hard time with it all, the ups and downs of it. I do agree, like in the movie I watched last night “Ingrid Goes West”, that I do have a problem. I was writing a bit about it last night after watching the movie. Reflection I guess you would call it. I understand that I don’t tend to have healthy relationships, but I can’t seem to understand where that comes from. I don’t know if it is too easy to blame the abuse or is it simply the truth.
I know that I don’t know what I want. It seems weird to say that, but I guess in the end, that is all we can do. We can just try to figure ourselves out and figure out what it is we want. That has always been my problem, the idea of moving too fast or too slow. I mentioned yesterday in my post that if you knew me, you wouldn’t like me and I do honestly believe that. I am not saying that people hate me, but they just don’t seem to care about me.
I know that at the end of the day it is all about perception and in reality all these people who are in or around my life could care, but I just perceive that they don’t. I don’t know if that really even makes sense, but I think that idea is easier to ponder than an alternative. The idea that I am unable to be loved. Part of me knows that that isn’t true, but I feel like I don’t get love from others the way that I want/need it. I don’t know how to make people love me.
I know that TV and movies are the worst possible place to look, but there are those people in reality that just seem to be able to draw people too them. I see them, I have been drawn to them and I don’t understand how they do it. Listen to someone dubbed “cool” and they will say the key is not caring, but yeah tried that and people just didn’t care about me either, so got me nowhere. I don’t understand people, like I said yesterday and I fear that I may never understand them.
I don’t want to throw myself a pity party, I just want to honestly talk about the thoughts and things I am feeling. I guess I just don’t want people to read these words and think that my life is terrible or I am unable to function. See unable to really think about things, none of you know me reading this, if you got this far, yet somehow I care what you think about me?! Crazy right?? I don’t want people to pity me and care out of pity is all. I want people to see the person I am and think that is someone that I can relate to and be friends with, people like that are out there right? I guess I hope so….