If you knew me…

I feel alien. Do you know what I mean? That feeling like the whole world around isn’t real. You don’t know what to do or say to make people understand or like you. I have always felt that way. People like me for two reasons what they can get from me or if they can fuck me.

I am a chameleon that changes with the situation it inside I am empty. I don’t know who I am or what I like or want. I want what you want because then you will like me. I listen to what you listen to or watch or read. I am like you please accept me.

I am not a teenager. It is sad I still feel this lost and alone and be a “grown up”. It is what happens though. I don’t know if it is them or me. I say I don’t like people but I don’t understand them so easier to just stay away. Maybe that is why the aliens haven’t come yet, but they just don’t understand and are content observing. It is lonely but interesting.

I have been struggling lately with feelings of desire. I don’t know where it is from if it is something wrong in me or something to do with what happened when I was a kid or in my 20s. I feel like guys should want me sexually and if they don’t then there is something wrong with me. Is it society? Do I act or think like that because that is how I am programmed? I feel like all women can’t think like that so what is wrong with me?

I definitely feel like there is something wrong with me but I don’t know what to call it or how to fix it. I am an alien and I watch people because it is safer for me. You can be what they want for only so long. They get bored of that. You can say what they want but then it changes and you are left behind. I don’t know how to connect in a meaningful way.

This is why I talk to you. I talk to you because you don’t know the broken me. You don’t know the empty me. You don’t know the me that needs, wants, pushes away, the boring, lonely me. You listen because you don’t know me and I can be whomever you want to make me in your mind. If you knew me, you wouldn’t like me. It is just how life goes.

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