So I ended up calling my therapist. At first I felt silly and thought it was a mistake, but after the session it was good. I feel like I am doing better now. I still feel up and down but I don’t feel quite so stressed.
At first she told me it was good. It was good that I was feeling stressed and anxious because it means that I am feeling things. I have a hard time with emotions and I definitely did not and have not dealt with my rape. I still blame myself for much of what happened and I don’t know how to not feel that way.
I am sure the how of it happening has a lot to do with it. I was drunk and sadly that was not the only time something happened but it was probably the worst and in all honesty I still don’t remember. He claimed that we didn’t have sex but the after affects have me doubt that. I will never know what happened and I don’t know how to be okay with that.
On top of everything else, I have to live life. I have to keep moving forward and I have to function. The functioning has been the hard part lately. I am just hoping that I can overcome the anxiety that I have been feeling. I have not had panic attacks for years but I have been on the verge of them since last week.
I know that I have to feel what happened. I know that I can’t blame myself for what happened. I know that his actions aren’t my fault. I do understand a lot but feeling that stuff is different. I can’t seem to feel that reality or truth. I blame myself and tell myself that it was not a big deal. Sex is just sex but rape isn’t sex. I call it sex because it is easier. It is easier to think of it as sex than rape.
It is going to be a long road. I know it is going to be a long road. I just have to breathe. I have to work through this and I can’t give in. I have given in before and it is time to push through. It is time to really look at it all and heal. It will be difficult but it is time to put in the work.