I feel anxious. I feel raw and exposed. I feel lost. I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know where it is coming from, around me or inside of me, but I feel like I am at war with myself. With everything, from my brain to my heart and to my emotions. I feel on the verge of a panic attack or just screaming out. I want to be held and left alone. I feel crazy.
I keep telling myself to breathe. You know the things you tell yourself to get through. You tell yourself it will be okay. Everything will be okay, but what if it isn’t. The desire to hurt myself is there right there in the back of my mind. I wouldn’t say that I am suicidal. I am glad that I am not nor will I be alone though. I feel like I am cowering in a corner and I am ready to lash out at anyone about anything.
I need to get a hold of myself. Breathe, just breathe. The desire to feel pain is so great. I can’t understand it. I want to feel calm, that is what I want, but I can’t seem to have that emotion at a consistent level. I feel like I want to run and never stop. I feel both manic and depressed at the same time. My thoughts and feelings are going at a mile a minute and I wish there was something to calm them and get them under control. Is that a thing? Maybe reaching out to the therapist isn’t a bad idea. I don’t know what I would say though.
I am in my office and I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. I feel like I am trapped and that is making me feel anxious. My head is spinning and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t want to be on meds again. I know that they helped the first time, but I don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want to need them. I feel like I can’t control my emotions and they come in these overwhelming waves. Is this all from talking about the abuse? Are all these thoughts/emotions from talking about it? This is why I can’t do this. I feel like I can’t do this. Why is this so hard?