Struggling

I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.

Cheating is always wrong. Always, there is no doubt in my mind about that. This of course is my hesitation. I started therapy recently and me and therapy have never had a good track record. I think I finally found a good therapist though. She seems understanding and genuinely helpful. Last Friday, I talked about what happened. I went through almost all of it from when I first met J to when I saw him last. Yes, there were things I left out and I did not go into very much detail around things, but since I left her office, it feels like it has been on my mind all the time.

I have had a very hard time trying to focus and I just keep thinking about what happened and going from feeling down to feeling upset to feeling just exhausted. I kind of want to reach out to her, but I don’t know if that is okay or what, if anything she could do about it. I have been journaling, hoping that it will help and I guess it does, but then I stop and just keep thinking about it all. I guess the I want answers thing is all that is spinning around in my head and not having them is bothering me.

Every time I try to deal with this stuff, I guess I should have told her this, I end up doing stupid things. Most of the time, those stupid things involves guys and J. It involves me trying to contact him again and because he is an a**hole, he is always there. I did not and probably won’t tell her this, but I did reach out to him. We messaged a few times, just like hey how is it going. He still want to have sex with me, yup said it when we texted, but why? What is wrong with me?

I end up turning back to sex. Turning back to feeling or seeking out someone who made me feel like nothing. I feel like I want/need to punish or hurt myself. I hate myself for talking to him and now this guy, this guy who wants me to cheat is kind of his fill in. I don’t want to cheat. I should just stop talking to him, easy right?! I don’t know why I can’t. I am a terrible person. I can’t hurt my husband. I don’t want to, but the desire to hurt myself just seems to be growing and not in a suicidal way, just a make myself hate myself more kind of way.

I am broken and screwed up and this is why therapy has never worked. I don’t go back until Oct. 20 and I feel like I don’t know if I can make it. I should have asked her about the time in between sessions. Depending on how I feel, I might have to just give her a call or something. This is getting to be a bit too much and overwhelming.

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