Sleep has not been my friend lately. I would say that I have felt more depressed lately and that would make sense with everything going on. I just don’t know how to get out of it. I hate that my “husband” seems fine. I hate how he talks about being honest and how people hate him for it and he won’t talk to me. If you want to be honest, here is your chance. I was probably the most honest with him the other night and still I feel like I get nothing back from him. I feel like he knows what he wants to do, but is too scared to say it.
I gave him back the ring. I asked if he was going to give it back to me and he said, you gave it back. I said you asked for it and so I gave it back to you. He can’t have it both ways. He tries to push it back on me, but he has to take responsibility too. That is why I told him that he needs to make a choice. I feel like too often he feels like life beats him down so this will be his choice. Not that it doesn’t matter what I want, but I don’t want to fight for someone who isn’t willing to fight for himself. I have been that too long. He talks about fighting or doing something, but does nothing. He wants me to do it or find something for him, but it is his life. I can help, but I won’t do it for him. I am not built that way and I don’t think that is wrong, especially because I am trying and I feel like I am getting nothing back.
I don’t know how to act is the problem. I go from feeling okay, but then he will take my hand and say that he loves me. I don’t want his comfort. I want him to make up his mind. I don’t want to be used for sex or just be a placeholder for him, while he indefinitely goes back and forth. I told him I wanted him to think it over and it feels like he is going to think forever. I should have put a timeframe on it. I told him yesterday that I don’t know where I stand and I hate it. He couldn’t give me an answer. His lack of answer should be one right?! I honestly just don’t know.
We are looking at houses and really, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need him for the house but I also don’t want to choose a house for him and then he leaves. I am tired. I am tired of trying and fighting. I feel like there is no point. Even if there is one, I am not sure I care anymore. I am so over all this. I wish that he could give me something. I wish he could offer at least a little understanding. It feels like I am going to be giving up everything and get nothing, and I shouldn’t be okay with that. I shouldn’t be, but I guess I am. Like I said I just don’t really care much. I am just so frustrated!