I hate not knowing where I stand…

I don’t understand people and I don’t like them. That is quite a way to start a blog post right? I am just sick of little side comments. Things that people say that they tell themselves to I guess what?! Make themselves feel better or hurt more but they say it around someone as a means to hurt them. When you don’t do anything and try to help someone, knowing you can’t help them but at least trying, then all they do is sit around and talk about how they do it alone?! Well, what the hell am I doing?!

I have said it before and I will say it again. I am not emotional. I am not the kind of person that openly tears at themselves, especially not around other people. Someone sits around and talks about how much difficult their life is opposed to everyone else…well sorry your life is the worst in the world?! We all have problems, but sitting around wallowing in them helps no one. I don’t have the patience for someone like that. That is my husband and he tells me I am apathetic because I am indifferent to that kind of thinking and behavior.

I like being alone, but then again I don’t like it either. I like being with a guy, that is my problem. I should do it without committing though and that would be better. I need too much space and independence for a relationship. My husband, to me, is very smothering and he won’t budge on that. I want to compromise, but he isn’t hearing it and he wants me to come all the way. I am trying, but just like I told him, I don’t want him to be unhappy, he seems more than satisfied if I am.

I should want something better for myself right?! I have a hard time doing that. I don’t take good care of myself in any sense of the word so guys and relationships are no different. I feel like last night when we slept together it was just him using me. I let myself be used sexually because I am comfortable with that. Should I be? No of course not, but I don’t feel like it has any meaning. I feel like he is one foot out the door and I am just trying for no reason.

I told him I wanted him to think about where we stand and what he wants. I honestly don’t know what it is that I really want though either. I don’t want him to leave, but I don’t know if that is just because I will only be 30 and have two failed marriages. I don’t want two failed marriages, but then again would two failed marriages be worse than an unhappy marriage. I hate not knowing and I know that I can’t live in this state long. We will just see what happens I guess. I hate waiting and I hate not knowing. I know it won’t be a quick answer or solution, but I just want to know where I stand rather than just guessing which is what I am doing now.


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