Feeling lost…

I don’t know why I do the things I do. I honestly don’t know what motivates me. I have this seeming need/desire to do things that I know will hurt me. In terms of hurting, I mean emotionally and sexually. I seek out men who want to use me sexually or will flirt with me. I am married, so more than obvious to say that is not a good thing.

Things are kind of rough now and when a guy start to rag on me, I have a hard time keeping myself composed. I seek out harmful things. I cut the other day for the first time in years, years! I was more than a little disappointed and ashamed actually. I have been kind of up and down the past few days, but my posts have kind of highlighted that anyway. I can’t seem to get my head on straight, as they say.

I still struggle and have a hard time where sex is concerned. I desire to have sex, but if I am rejected it makes me feel worthless, but if a guy approves of my advances it makes me feel worthless too. I feel bad for my husband as he has to deal with this. I am “in the mood” one minute and then quickly it seems gone. I start the act then suddenly it is like I want it to be over. It isn’t healthy or good.

I feel stuck. I did contact a therapist today so we will see what happens. I need a break from it all though. I need to get out of my head and get away from bad things. I think the fight my husband and I got into set me off though and it has been quite a downward spiral. He makes hurtful comments, that aren’t even true, and pushes and pushes me then blows up saying that he just confirmed he was right all along.

Today we are supposed to talk about things. Do I want to talk? Not really. I just have a feeling I know how it will go. I feel so beaten down and just tired. I am exhausted from it all. I am in this weird, nothing matters place. My husband kind of stopped speaking to me, after blowing up on Monday, and though we talk a bit, I just feel like it is no point. I don’t know what he wants and he tells me that I have made up struggles. Me trying to heal from being raped and molested when I was a kid is made up struggles apparently. He says it is in my head and I create these issues with others. The fact is I am hurting and you pushing me while I am hurting isn’t making it better. I just need space and time to deal with it, not you barking orders at me or tell me how I am doing it wrong. Those aren’t made up struggles, they are struggles you are forcing on me.

I don’t have a good outlook on things and I have felt so tense at home this week. I can’t shake this pit in my stomach. I was talking to a friend and feel like I am lying about him. There was a time when he did push me against a wall. He punches things when he is angry. He has stated he isn’t opposed to hitting a woman. I feel like listing it makes it worse. I don’t think he would hit me. We are both emotional and I feel like I could push him, even if I wasn’t trying and what if he escalated. What if I did something that made him? I don’t know what I would do.

I just feel like he is showing me who he is and I don’t really like it. He has been cruel lately and he has treated me in a way that I would never treat someone I care about. I wish I had strength. I wish I could leave him. I feel weak. I feel pathetic. I feel alone. I wish there was an answer. I wish I knew what to do. I don’t know what to do…

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