Just tired…

So yesterday was an interesting day. It was long and stressful and really it was last night. I have been struggling myself, but then add in my husband and things are just stressing me out way too much. Last night my husband got upset with me and honestly, it was unwarranted. I definitely felt blindsided by it and how he reacted afterward just has me feeling crummy.

I think I have said this before, but if not then I am not an easy person to love or get along with. I know that I am difficult and I know that I have issues. I have issues though not because I created them, but simply because I have not had the energy, support and guidance I needed to deal with them. I am trying to work on that and told my husband that and he encouraged it. Well, last night he threw it in my face. I am not the kind that likes to take things out on other people do I do it? Yes of course, but I try not to.

My husband is going through a lot right now and I understand that and I try to be supportive but when his hurt becomes cruel behavior towards me then that is not okay. I try to tell him, but he turns it around and makes it where it is my fault. It is my fault that he yells and gets upset. Yesterday, he told me that he knew I was glad we didn’t get to spend as much time together anymore. It was a dig and something that is false and it doesn’t matter what I say because he blows up. I told him no, but said he should not say things like that to me. He proceeds to say that he would get ready because we are going out, I am uninterested, and he just goes off the deep end. He tells me see you are upset because I tell you the truth. I tell you what you believe and you are just made about it.

I would not be mad or hurt, if he just didn’t make the comments. I hate that he tells me how I feel and when I tell him that I don’t feel that way or that what he is saying isn’t true, he gets mad at me. I don’t think it is fair for him to convince himself of something and then take it out on me. I asked a friend if he had ever been physical with a woman, like pushed a woman against a wall or something, and he said no never. He said he always walked away when he got too upset. I think that is all you can do and it is good to do that. He asked if my husband had ever done something like that and I said yes. I wouldn’t say that I fear him hurting me, most of the time he hits the window or wall or something, but he has made threats. But we all do things like that right?

I tell myself it is silly to think such things. I know that he has a lot going on and so do I. I try to be understanding, but I am just tired. I wish I got a little support from him, just anything. I feel like I give and he takes and gives nothing back. I am so tired!! I am tired of worrying. I am tired of wondering what he will say that I have to try and ignore. I am tired of feeling like I have to do what he says because if I don’t then it will cause a fight. I wish he had friends, not that I have many, but I just want to be able to be alone for a while. I need space. I need a chance to breath and all I feel like I can do is worry and just feel beaten down.


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