There is a difference between a guy and an abuser. I said this yesterday in the post and the thought just keeps rolling around in my mind. It seems so simple and obvious to say such a thing, but it is a sad realization for me that I realize that I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand that all guys aren’t that way. I can’t say that I thought all guys were abusive, but I guess I didn’t realize just what the abusive behavior was. Maybe it also has to do with maturity of the guy, though that really shouldn’t matter, but who knows maybe?
Yesterday the idea of sex, healthy sexual encounters and relationships, and abusive ones. I was thinking about what sex really meant to me. Sex for so long felt almost like a weapon and I am not sure that thought/feeling has ever really left me, but I think now I am just putting a label on it. Sex was not a means to find pleasure and enjoyment, at least not for me. I allowed or didn’t, whatever the case, a guy to use me for sex or take sex from me because it was his right. It didn’t matter what I wanted or didn’t want, it was only what he wanted.
I toyed around in my head with the idea of rough sex. The idea of a guy having complete control over me and letting him do whatever he wanted to me sexually. The only thing with that is I would have to 100% trust the guy and also trust myself not to turn it around in my mind. I feel like I toyed with that idea not because it was something I wanted, but it went back to the fact of feeling like I was nothing. Sex makes me feel disgusted, in a sense. I have this almost love hate relationship with it. I want to enjoy it and sometimes do, but then afterward I feel ashamed or disgusted. It makes me feel bad.
I hate it all so much! I get so frustrated by it all. I just want to be normal or at least not so weird about it all. I feel broken and thinking about sex and my feelings towards it makes me feel angry with myself. I am angry that I want to have sex, that I want a guy to want to use me. Ultimately, it really boils down to the fact that I am used to abusers and not having a guy treat me that way makes me feel uneasy. It feels like having a nice guy is wrong in some way. How messed up is that right? I think of sex and I feel like I need a guy to hurt me, to make me hurt so that I can feel bad about myself and that is the only way that I should experience it.
Talk about honest, this is the most honest I can be. This is the most honest I have ever been, even with myself. I just feel like curling up in a ball and blocking out the world. I am at work and I feel like I can’t function. My head is spinning. I need to get out of my head, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what, if anything, knowing all this does. This is all just pieces of me. The whole, crazy mess.