Small steps

I have been considering therapy again. I have lots of things I’ve moved in from but I haven’t healed from. Today at work kind of by surprise I spoke with a friend about a lot of stuff. It was unexpected and probably the best conversation I’ve actually had in person about it all. I say best because I was actually able to talk about it.

The hardest thing for me is to talk about what happened. I don’t talk about what happened when I was younger but even from when I was older. I have realized a lot of stuff but there is still much I need to understand and deal with. The guy who wants to be my side piece has made me realize some things too.

There is a difference between a guy and an abuser. It seems weird to write it like that but dealing with this guy has made me realize that. He wants to sleep with me and yes use me but we would be using each other. The abuser said and things to hurt and break me down. He called me a tease because I knew what I wanted and it wasn’t what he wanted. He called me a tease because I said no. I still have that in my mind because I believed him. I thought that described me but I’m realizing it doesn’t.

Too often we let the ways other people see us define us. This is particularly damaging when that person is an abuser. We let their warped view of us give us definition when we should see that all they are saying is lies. He told me so much stuff that I still think and believe and I need to let that go. Will it be over night? No I know it won’t. I feel like I took a step in the right direction today.

I think therapy would be good and maybe that is what I need to look into again. I need to allow myself the ability to heal which I don’t think I have done. I don’t want all of the abuse from my past be the future of who I am. I hope that today leads to a better place. I actually did look into therapist now I need to take the step and make the call. It is one step at a time though. Slowly I will get there.