Need to be safe

Sometimes reality can just slap you in the face right? The guy on the side of course claimed we could still be friends but yeah all he wants is sex. I know this, I know it is true so yeah just done.

I was thinking about sex today and the fact that I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve slept with. Honestly, I’ve just slept with my first and now second husband. That is it. It seems weird to think about that, but it is the truth. Sex has always scared me to be honest. I didn’t do it because I didn’t find it enjoyable.

Rape is a terrible thing and it was my first introduction to sex. It causes such a skew in the brain. It causes mistrust, doubt, fear, self hate, so many awful things. It makes one want to be desired sexually then hate the feelings it brings. It blurs the lines between desire and pain. Rape isn’t about sex they say. I know in the sense of the perp maybe not be the act is sexual. How to tell yourself it isn’t about sex?

The normal guy hitting on you is just different in my mind. It goes from the thought of seeking pleasure to would he hurt me? What if I said no, would he take it? I know the thought isn’t fair but strangers on the street, I even look and wonder. I don’t know what causes people to hurt others in that way. I will never understand and yes that bothers me.

I know that I can’t put myself into dangerous situations just to see what will happen because I have done that in the past. It isn’t good or healthy. I don’t know what causes me to take such risks or what drives me but I think that is something I really need to figure out before it gets me into trouble.

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