So opinion time, time to seek advice. If you were friends with someone, and you get into a relationship. The person expresses sexual interest in you and you shut them down. Should you still talk with them? I was told by a friend no. I believe she is right. I know in my heart that she is right, but there is something inside of me that tells me it is okay and it doesn’t matter and I can still keep talking to him. We aren’t talking anything sexual, just talking as we were, friends.
I think about him in terms of the guy that raped me. Isn’t that awful?! The guy who raped me was someone I was “dating” or at least seeing, I liked him and thought he liked me. He would push things and push me to do things, just going and going until I just gave up saying no or just gave in. I figured what was the point in fighting it, he would get his way eventually. I still don’t trust me, can’t you tell? I had plenty of chances to stop seeing this guy but I didn’t. I had a therapist ask me why I didn’t stop and I don’t know. I guess part of me does or I think I do, but even that I am not sure. I don’t know where the drive comes from.
I tell myself or told myself that I kept seeing him because after all the thinking and space, it didn’t seem that bad. It never seemed that bad and despite me telling him to leave me alone, he would just keep contacting me. It made me feel special, in a very messed up way, but it was like if he was so persistent then it must mean something right? It meant he was a scumbag and I should never have gone back. I mixed drinking, one time just one time, with him and that is when the assault happened. He denied it happening and I was so confused and in and out that I honestly couldn’t remember. I stopped talking to him for a very long time then, but eventually even after that I went back and saw him.
So what was my problem? I can’t explain it, but it almost feels like there is a need inside of me to hurt myself. I want to feel pain and be made to feel like I am worthless and nothing. I feel like that is the only time I seem to be able to feel anything. It all makes me feel so broken. I don’t know how else to describe it. I just want to crawl into a ball and just disappear. I just need a break from it all. I need an escape. This is all too much, too real.
I wish there was a magic solution. I wish there was a way to feel more together. I wish there was a snap of the fingers and I would hate myself less. I guess not chatting with someone who has expressed sexual interest would help right? I am not single and even though I told him no, I still feel it is wrong. I just wish I was stronger when it came to keeping myself out of danger and away from destructive situations. I wish I cared more about myself and didn’t want to make myself feel like a complete waste. No neat little bow to end this on. Another day around the sun….