If you knew me…

I feel alien. Do you know what I mean? That feeling like the whole world around isn’t real. You don’t know what to do or say to make people understand or like you. I have always felt that way. People like me for two reasons what they can get from me or if they can fuck me.

I am a chameleon that changes with the situation it inside I am empty. I don’t know who I am or what I like or want. I want what you want because then you will like me. I listen to what you listen to or watch or read. I am like you please accept me.

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Day One: The Who? What? Why?

Just like with anything, there is always a why? Blogs are no different, what is the point of it all? Blogs start for all different reasons, but this one, this one I am starting for me. In a sense, all blogs start out this way. I have always had an issue with loving me. Loving who I am and accepting that who I am is okay (isn’t that all of us right?!) I guess I want to do this for myself, for the first time, I want to do this for me. I want to commit to something for me, my choosing, my liking and damn the rest of the world.

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It’s the Weekend

So I have been thinking about posting and yes I think maybe every day was a bit much. I think that I will definitely not post weekends at least not normally. I will post throughout the week, but weekends are to rest.

I am still not sure what I am doing with my Saturday but I have been putting off writing. The last few days my past has been on my mind and I am trying not to let that take over too much.

I the remembering and I hate the pain. I know that I need to heal and work through it but I will give it time. Despite wanting to do it overnight, I can’t. I have to take time and work through it. I need to start talking about it again in therapy. Small steps and we will see.

Still Not Okay…

No matter how much I breathe or how much time passes, the memories are always there. The pain, festering right below the surface. The feelings of fear, shame, pain, disgust and confusion. I still doubt all that happened and I have a very hard time trying to put all these thoughts and feelings into words, but I can hardly breathe now. Some days, sometimes, the memories are too much.

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Today, I Feel Broken

Today, I feel broken. I have watched a few shows that have made my mind wonder and made me feel this way. First, I watched “SVU” from last night. One of the characters admitted to being molested when he was younger, which hit home for me. Then I watched “Designated Survivor” and the main character just lost his wife. He is trying to understand how to deal/life with the grief of her loss. When he was in a therapy session, the therapist said that he couldn’t help because he wouldn’t talk about what was really going on and told him if he kept treading water he would drown. Finally, I watched “The Blacklist” which addressed a person cheating and how he wanted to have his wife killed. The pain and waste of it all just got to me.

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What Is It You Really Want??

What is it that you want? This is a question you are asked from time to time and one that we frequently or should frequently ask ourselves. I was recently asked this question and I gave an answer, but I have been thinking about it long after that. The answer to this question is often different or it can change. What is it you want out of life? What is it that you want from a relationship? What is it that you want from your job? What is it that you want?

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Still Figuring It Out…

Do you ever sit and feel that life is meaningless? Honestly, it feels like it could be argued either way, meaning it is and is not meaningless. There are just things that happen sometimes that make you question and wonder about the life you lead. I do sometimes think about what if I was not here, who would care. It is easy to say that my mom and husband would be sad, but besides that who else. Would anyone else even notice if I wasn’t here? I guess the more important question would be would they care.

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Trying to Live Life

The other day I was thinking about living life to the fullest. Living life like it truly is, that you only have a short time. I understand why we can’t live everyday like we were dying, in the sense of picking up and just traveling. Logically I understand that, but there is still part of me that wishes that life could be that way. I wish that we could live life doing what we wanted to do. To just be able to get up and not have to worry about money or responsibilities. I wish that life could be that way.

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Do it for you

Everybody wants to change the world

But one thing’s clear

No one ever wants to change themselves

~ “Do You Really Want It” by: Nothing More

So this band and these guys are awesome first and foremost. I have had the pleasure of seeing them love three times and look forward to many more. This song is on their most recent album. I just got to hear them preform this song live and beyond amazing. If you haven’t checked them out, you should.

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Needing inspiration

I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I went to therapy again and it felt hollow. I started going for abuse from my past and to deal with it but I wonder if I have. I feel like she doesn’t remember why I started coming but I guess that is my job. I know that therapy is what you make of it, but I don’t know what I want out of it. I have this just what’s the point feeling.

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Feeling underappreciated…

The feeling of needing to do things makes me not want to do things. How confusing does that sentence sound? I think in my head it makes sense and maybe there is a reader or two out there that says yeah I get it, but hey I am not even sure that I get it. I have trying to commit. This whole blog has been about committing to something. I commit to writing every day for a year. Yeah well, I failed at that. I am trying to work on that again though. We can’t live in our past failures, but just look forward and improve upon them. But now that I am or trying to do that, I just feel like it is a lot of what and to what end is it?

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Listening to the rain

We all have things that we like and don’t like. It is just part of being human right? Kind of an obvious statement but the things one person likes can be something another absolutely hates. I was talking to a friend the other day that talked about the weather and the rain being gloomy. I said oh I kinda like the rainy weather.

It is kind of storming out now and I love to hear the rain falling. To me, it is kind of soothing and calming. It is kind of ironic I guess that a storm can sound calming but in a way it does. I love the steady rhythm it has. Thunder can’t be predicted but even in that randomness there is something exciting in it.

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