Just like with anything, there is always a why? Blogs are no different, what is the point of it all? Blogs start for all different reasons, but this one, this one I am starting for me. In a sense, all blogs start out this way. I have always had an issue with loving me. Loving who I am and accepting that who I am is okay (isn’t that all of us right?!) I guess I want to do this for myself, for the first time, I want to do this for me. I want to commit to something for me, my choosing, my liking and damn the rest of the world.
Should have posted Friday but I am visiting my mom this weekend. I am taking these two days off. I will pick up Monday. Eclipse day?! People are so weird. Anyway, just wanted to say a quick note. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!
I am one of those bored at work and have some stuff to do but don’t want to do it moods. I hate when you get in that I have stuff to do but refuse to do it moods. I keep going back to the feeling of having issues with committing. I am having a really hard time putting my focus in one place and keeping my attention there.
I have a hard time focusing. I feel like I want to do something like write or something, but then the act of committing to that action feels so burdensome. I mentioned that feeling to my therapist last week, not sure if that means anything, but it is bothersome for me right now.
Like most days. Today I am tired. I woke up feeling a bit under the weather. It seems something is going around work. I am trying not to catch it but my focus is more than lacking.
I am frustrated. I have been frustrated most of the day. It has not been my week, to say the least. I feel like it is one thing after the other and of course all the emotions from whatever is going on with my husband. I am not comfortable in limbo. I have never realized that more than now.
Sleep has not been my friend lately. I would say that I have felt more depressed lately and that would make sense with everything going on. I just don’t know how to get out of it. I hate that my “husband” seems fine. I hate how he talks about being honest and how people hate him for it and he won’t talk to me. If you want to be honest, here is your chance. I was probably the most honest with him the other night and still I feel like I get nothing back from him. I feel like he knows what he wants to do, but is too scared to say it.
I don’t understand people and I don’t like them. That is quite a way to start a blog post right? I am just sick of little side comments. Things that people say that they tell themselves to I guess what?! Make themselves feel better or hurt more but they say it around someone as a means to hurt them. When you don’t do anything and try to help someone, knowing you can’t help them but at least trying, then all they do is sit around and talk about how they do it alone?! Well, what the hell am I doing?!
Writing is not happening today. There has been a lot going on and I don’t think I can even put it into words. I am not sure that I even want too. I feel like I am in limbo so I am not sure that I can even verbal that. I will be back and writing but just not today.
So it has been an interesting couple days. High and low doesn’t even cut it. I went to therapy today. Day one and hopefully this will be good. I am not sure what I think or feel right now about anything.
I honestly don’t know if I am married or single. Yesterday my husband asked for the ring back and I gave it to him. It was weird I didn’t cry or anything, I just did it. I don’t want it to be over but I just feel like I am not capable of being what he needs.
I don’t know why I do the things I do. I honestly don’t know what motivates me. I have this seeming need/desire to do things that I know will hurt me. In terms of hurting, I mean emotionally and sexually. I seek out men who want to use me sexually or will flirt with me. I am married, so more than obvious to say that is not a good thing.