Day One: The Who? What? Why?

Just like with anything, there is always a why? Blogs are no different, what is the point of it all? Blogs start for all different reasons, but this one, this one I am starting for me. In a sense, all blogs start out this way. I have always had an issue with loving me. Loving who I am and accepting that who I am is okay (isn’t that all of us right?!) I guess I want to do this for myself, for the first time, I want to do this for me. I want to commit to something for me, my choosing, my liking and damn the rest of the world.

Continue reading Day One: The Who? What? Why?

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Feeling through entertainment

I am bored and that is never a good thing. I have decided that I am definitely taking the weekends off here. I know that I said that I would write every day, but we all need a rest right? That is what I decided that I am telling myself at least. It is our open enrollment here at work and though there are things to do, I am not really involved too much with the who enrolling process for the population. I have something that I could have been doing, but there was an issue and now I can’t do that either. I am bored and my mind wonders.

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Sometimes shows get me

I am tired. It has been quite a busy week at work. I work in HR in benefits and we have been preparing for open enrollment. Normally open enrollment isn’t a hectic time for the team I am on but before has been super busy getting prepared. Hopefully it goes smoothly.

Besides work life has been up and down. Things with my husband have been good for the most part. He has his moments when he complains about me but for the most part it is good. We both have issues and sometimes we can’t be the support we need. I have come to realize and accept that but he struggles with it. I try to be understanding but sometimes it is difficult.

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Focus on mental health

It is mental health awareness week and with everything going on in the world, we need a bit more focus on that. It is sad how so much is connected to mental health issues but sadly, the actions get the attention not the cause. People are too quick to dismiss mental health and it is causing more and more issues.

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It is Time

So I ended up calling my therapist. At first I felt silly and thought it was a mistake, but after the session it was good. I feel like I am doing better now. I still feel up and down but I don’t feel quite so stressed.

At first she told me it was good. It was good that I was feeling stressed and anxious because it means that I am feeling things. I have a hard time with emotions and I definitely did not and have not dealt with my rape. I still blame myself for much of what happened and I don’t know how to not feel that way.

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Second Thoughts…

I feel anxious. I feel raw and exposed. I feel lost. I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know where it is coming from, around me or inside of me, but I feel like I am at war with myself. With everything, from my brain to my heart and to my emotions. I feel on the verge of a panic attack or just screaming out. I want to be held and left alone. I feel crazy.

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Struggling

I am terrible. I am a terrible person. Have I cheated? No. Have I thought about it, even considered it? Yes, very much so. I had the chance last Saturday, but I did not take it. I didn’t even really feel the desire then, which I guess says something, but still that I am even thinking about it has me flustered.

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Unhinged 

So sex yeah back to that. Make it lively again right? I should be sleeping, but I can’t. I feel like I am going to crash but I just can’t. 

I hate how I feel right now. I feel like I want sex but then I don’t. I want for once for it to be about me, at least some. I don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive anymore or it’s not even that, it’s like he isn’t interested in sex. It’s not that I want sex a lot but I feel like we never have it and I try to please him but as for me. If I don’t do it then I ain’t getting there. 

I am frustrated. I want him to take an interest. I want him to want me. I feel alone and rejected. It is making me want to lash out and self pleasure isn’t enough apparently. I want him to desire me. I just want to give up. 

I am exhausted. Not tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I wish I could sleep but I can’t. I have insomnia for about a week now. I went to bed like 3 yesterday then up at 8. This has been a while now. I want to feel stable. I don’t and I don’t know what to do about it. 

Trying to get better…

So it has been quite a few weeks huh? House hunting, therapy and of course Harvey. There is another storm in the Atlantic but those of us on the coast don’t even want to think about that. I have been thinking about this blog and my lack of focus as of late, but I realize that I need to get back to it. I need to get back to the reason I wanted to do this. I wanted to take an open and honest look at myself and hold nothing back. I have gotten away from it and I am not sure why, but I have some ideas.

Continue reading Trying to get better…